Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Tue Mar 15, 2005 at 07:30:15 pm EST
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The Sermon of Neka #1 ( Read the Disclaimer first )
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( NOTICE: I know I usually put these notices that the stories might offend people, and they never do, but I’m serious about this. This story discusses topics like fetishism, stalking, and erotic fan fiction. It’s definitely an R Rated story, and those faint of heart and faint of butt should probably stop reading. )

THE SERMON OF NEKA #1
A Story Suggested For Mature Audiences
By Neil Kapit

Three men in black robes entered an abandoned, derelict erotic theater in Gothammetropolis York, as they did every Saturday night. One of them was carrying a kennel with a small animal inside; another, holding several ancient tomes, practically cracking in his hands. They made their way through a dark corridor and onto the stage, where they opened the kennel. A small goat emerged and tried to run out, but it limped as it walked, its tendons having been slashed. After moving a few steps, it collapsed onto the stage. A man in a robe encircled the goat with red liquid, poured on stage. Another man placed several candles on the ground.

The third man revealed a hunting knife and slit the goat’s throat, ear to ear. As the goat screamed, the three men chanted in Latin. The goat quickly expired as the men kept singing. Suddenly, the goat’s body started to shake, and it exploded, splattering biomass across the stage.

From the epicenter of its remains emerged a midnight blue humanoid form, surrounded by dark blue flames. It was covered with a leathery substance which spread to show immense, bat-like wings. The form’s head cocked back, its forehead coated with bright-orange eyes, with two protruding horns. It looked down with its six eyes, and pointed a clawed hand at the three men.

“ Evening, suckers, “ the humanoid stated.

“ O villainous Neka, god of dark knowledge, “ one of the men pleaded, “ We have come to bask in your bleak wisdom and sickening truth. “

” Thanks for the goat soul, boys, “ Neka grinned, showing yellow fangs stained with a bizarre black substance. “ The only thing better than goat souls are the souls of humans and rhinoceri, but I wouldn’t want my favorite pupils to get busted just yet, now would I. “

” Tell us what path we must take in life, “ another man asked of the demon, “ Tell us another of your wicked parables, so that we may go out and spread your unholy stain. “

” Yeah, “ a third man piped in, “ And tell Brent to stop banging my girlfriend! “

” Shut up Doug, “ Brent snapped, “ We’re in love! “

“ She was mine first! She’s just using you to make me jealous! “

” Why you sonuva! “

He slapped Doug with an open palm, and his fellow demon-worshipper slapped back. The third man tried to get between them, but Brent accidentally slapped him, and he hit both of them. The three men were fighting with each other, until Neka bellowed, “ SILENCE! “

“ Are you losers going to sissy fight each other to death or are you gonna listen to what I have to say? “ Neka demanded.

“ W-w-we’re sorry, dark lord! “ the three men begged in unison.

“ Good boys. “ Neka grinned. “ Now, today’s sermon is about desire. A sickening concept that you should be without. A mortal weakness that has led to the deaths of many. “

” I come here, “ the demon continued, “ To tell you of a recent story about a man whose desire and lust got the better of him. I come here to tell you of one Thomas Grollack. “

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Before I tell you the story of Thomas Grollack, I have to tell you the story of the Commission. A nice bunch of idealistic fools, and some of the most violent humans I’ve ever met, good guys or bad.

The Commission was founded by boy genius Jonathan Armstrong Stanng, who assembled the team to save the world from those who would oppress others. The difference between him and other super-types was that he wanted to do this by ruling the world. Eventually, as the story goes, he was defeated and incarcerated. But his group stayed around, continuing to do his work without his psychopathic leadership.

There are five members of the Commission, each of them feared by mortals everywhere. The leader of the group is a nanomecha construct who calls herself the Umbra, a very cultured and worldly woman that isn’t afraid to kill. Her right-hand man is the Designer, an unstoppable super-soldier in zebra pants and velvet. Next is the Bateleur, a former actor/recording artist and currently born-again Christian in flying combat armor. And then there’s Nitz the Bloody, the accursed Priest of Zeku.

Finally, and most important to this story, there’s “ Massive “ Molly Kitsarugi, the Ykraan goddess of war. She’s sixty-four feet of divine strength, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at her. She’s extremely shy and modest, and prefers to exist in a normal-sized form she accesses with a magical necklace. She’s one of the nicest people on Earth and always does her best to help people, never thinks ill of anyone, and until recently let people walk all over her.

You wouldn’t know any of that by seeing her in battle, of course. I remember the situation well, being all-knowing and whatnot. It was a normal day for the Commission, which involved a raid on a post-human breeding facility hidden within the Saudi Arabian desert. Some extremist terrorists found a special mutative agent and used it on their recruits to make their own super villain army, the better for which to fight the Great Satan. Not that the Commission are buddy-buddy with the United States, but they couldn’t just sit back and watch this.

So there they were, at a facility in the middle of the desert, fighting eighty-seven super villians. Energy flew through the air as both sides shot at each other. The four present Commissioners ( Molly was busy with some job interviews ), however, were undaunted. The Umbra could turn herself two-dimensional and cut through them like a goat’s throat, the Bateleur could just absorb their attacks and return fire with his plasma cannons, and Nitz the Bloody was able to control the weather, thrashing them with ball lightning. Those that remained, were taken out easily by the Designer’s adamantine tonfas and superior hand-to-hand combat skills.

However, just as the Commission thought they were done with cutting a swath through these eighty-seven super villains, one of the terrorists screamed “ Allah Ackbar “ and injected almost a liter of the mutative chemical into his veins. He began to change, to grow; his skin turned into scales as he radiated electricity and grew a tail. Soon what had once been a filthy, angry young man ended up a fifty-foot bipedal reptile that would put Gojira to shame.

The reptile gave a tremendous roar, and started using its breath weapon on the ground, charring it with a stream of plasma. The Commission retaliated with everything they had. Nitz and the Bateleur used all of their respective destruction spells and energy weapons on it, only to mildly vex it.

“ I’ll try to creep inside its head, “ the Umbra shouted. “ Keep distracting it! “ She converted into her shadow form and turned into a thin strand of black nanites, trying to creep into the reptile’s ear and shut down its medulla oblongata. However, a light forcefield blocked her access, shocking the Arab-Israeli robotic woman and sending her to the ground.

“ Well this is just dandy, “ grumbled the Bateleur, “ We need... “ With that, a green energy gate opened on the ground, and through it walked a tall young Asian woman with thick eyeglasses. She calmly removed a bulky gold chain from her neck and started to grow in size until she was even taller than the reptile ( her clothes somehow grew with her ). The saurian attacked the woman, showering her with plasma breath. She strained through it and grabbed it by the neck, then punched it in the face. A few more punches and roundhouse kicks, and the reptile was stunned, leaving the woman free to snap its neck in two. An oozing of purple blood commenced as the reptile lay on the ground. The woman reached into her pocket and fished out a tiny necklace, which she stretched around her neck and used to shrink back down to her “ normal “ height of six-foot-four.

“ Molly, “ Nitz the Bloody exclaimed, removing his helmet and wiping sweat from his brow, “ That was amazing! “

” Sorry I was late, “ Molly nervously smiled. “ I was interviewing for a position at the local pizza place when I heard the priority alert. “

” What do you need a job for, Honey? “ the Designer asked her, putting a gloved hand on Molly’s shoulder. “ You have the Citadel to live in! “

” Sorry, “ replied Molly, “ I want to have a life outside of superheroi---er, post-human activism, and Mr. and Mrs. Stanng said they wouldn’t support me and Stacy without a job of my own. “

” Feh, “ Nitz grumbled, “ Superheroes and jobs don’t mix. They always just end up being auxiliary subplots bringing a source of token angst. “

” Speaking of jobs, “ the Umbra enunciated, “ Don’t you have a Medical Studies class you have to be it, Nitz? “

” OH SHIT! “ Nitz yelped. “ Dr. Gale’ll have my head! Excuse me...! “ He reached into his trenchcoat to bring out his cudgel, and used it to open a gate to the accursed Zeku dimension, where he disappeared to. The rest of the Commission teleported back to their floating headquarters, the Citadel. All that was left in their wake was a mountain of post-human coffers.

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So where does Thomas Grollack fit into my story? Well, you see my students, Thomas Grollack loved Molly Kitsarugi. Not like the fraternal love the Commission shared for her, but a lustful love strong enough to choke a rhinoceros. Thomas had always had a thing for large, powerful women, particularly those of Brobdingnagan proportions like Molly. When he was a teenager he looked over superhero comics for those kinds of women, since they didn’t exist in real life and he didn’t really have a social life. He would spend hours ogling characters like She-Hulk, Elasti-Girl, Giganta, and so on. When he reached maturity he put his fetish aside to concentrate on reality, but when he first heard of the Commission, he didn’t bother thinking of the ethics of their controversial missions; he focused on Massive Molly, his giantess fixation made real.

So Thomas did what any non-self-respecting deviant would do in this day and age; he made a website devoted to Massive Molly. Willing to pay high fees for his own domain, he packed his site full of photos, sightings, fan fiction, and drawings. Thomas’ artwork showed considerable talent, but he wasted it all on highly sexualized drawings of the Ykraan warrior goddess, some of which-- and this disturbs even me-- he inserted himself into.

Despite-- or because of-- its subject matter, “ Molly’s World “ was a popular site, getting several hundred hits a day. It even had its own Java-enabled chat room, which was often occupied by fellow paraphiliacs. The night after the raid on the terrorists’ post-human labs, the room was occupied by three people; PrimeC01, Littleman75, and Thomas himself, under the name MollyLover2431. The transcript went down like this..

MollyLover2431: Evening, gents
PrimeC01: Evening
Littleman75: What’s up
MollyLover2431: You guys hear about Molly today?
PrimeC01: I heard she fought a giant lizard in Saudi Arabia....that’s hot
Littleman75: Yeah bro, it’s like my B-Movie fantasy
MollyLover2431: there’s some bootleg footage of the thing circulating ‘round the net
Littleman75: I saw, look at the way she moves
PrimeC01: I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again....Molly is the hottest person on Earth
Littleman75: Word
MollyLover2431: Is she a person, though? I hear she’s a goddess
PrimeC01: get outta here
Littleman75: Maybe he has a point.....she’s put on this Earth for us
PrimeC01: Molly is here for all of us
PRIESTBOY HAS LOGGED ON
PriestBoy: Hold on, what the fuck is wrong with you people?
MollyLover2431: What do you mean, PriestBoy
PriestBoy: don’t you people care at all that Molly and the Commission just killed eighty-seven people?
Littleman75: No, not really
MollyLover2431: What Molly does, she has reasons for
PriestBoy: It’s not just that. It’s your whole site. You have all this smutty fanfic and fanart of Molly. She’s not a Playboy centerfold, she’s a real person!
MollyLover2431: We know, dumbass, that’s why we love her
Littleman75: Shut up PriestBoy
PriestBoy: You don’t love her, you fucking freaks. You desire her. You’re chasing a dream, and you can’t have it in real life, so you make these freaky websites
MollyLover2431: We love Molly and think she should be cherished! That’s why we make tributes to her
PriestBoy: The real Molly’d be sickened by your tributes
MollyLover2431: wait, how would you know what Molly would think?
PriestBoy: I....know her
MollyLover2431: OMG, you know Molly?
PrimeC01: get outta here
Littleman75: how do you know her?
PrimeC01: what’s her sign
MollyLover2431: what are her measurements
PriestBoy: I’m outta here. Go fuck yourselves
MollyLover2431: Who was that?
Littleman75: I dunno, he said he knew her
PrimeC01: the name PriestBoy.....who could he be?
MollyLover2431: ehh
Littleman75: so you got some new drawings for us?
MollyLover2431: picture this....Molly in a French Maid’s outfit, holding me in her hand
PrimeC01: that’s hot
MollyLover2431: It’s simply beautiful

On the other end of the computer sat Nitz the Bloody, logging off from the disturbing little chat. He grit his teeth, feeling sick to his stomach. He was just searching the web for news on the Commission, and he came across Molly’s World. Nitz was curious so he checked it out. Now he wished he hadn’t. He stood up, walked away from the computer, and asked“ Who’s worse, them for making that shit, or me for looking at it? “ The answer was obvious, but the Priest of Zeku didn’t feel any better.

NEXT: Molly and Thomas both look for new jobs. Will they meet? What will they think of each other? And where do I enter into this? Stay tuned, suckers...

VOICE CASTING NOTES: THE LAZY MAN’S CASTING CALL

Neka, God of Dark Knowledge: Gary Sturgis ( Ebon )
Thomas Grollack/MollyLover2431: John Cusack ( Craig Schwartz )
Massive Molly Kitsarugi: Lia Sargent ( Millie )
Nitz the Bloody: Adam Busch ( Warren )
The Umbra: Wendee Lee ( Kiva )
The Bateleur: Dave Lucas ( Spike Siegel )
The Designer: Jim Byrnes ( Thrust )


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